Horrorscope: Cthulhu Edition

Horrorscope CthulhuFandible presents a very special message from beyond: The Horrorscope. We invite you to pull back the veil of ignorance, curl into a fetal position and gaze upon the messages from the cosmos. You will be enlightened. You will be changed. You will wonder why have done this to you. Enjoy!

You believe that the Stars guide you, but it is The Things Beyond that cause all to happen. Listen closely, shriek gibberish and writhe on the ground as the pain of truth fights your mind’s frail illusion of what is “Real.”

Aries: As the old saying goes, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” Make sure to surround yourself with both, as they can be harvested for parts later. This week your lucky number is 1, for that is all that will remain at the end of what needs to be done.

Taurus: Sound does not exist in space, otherwise you would hear the terrified screams of countless planets bringing messages of impending danger. But the distance is vast and the warnings would come too late. Your lucky number is lost to the void, do not concern yourself with it.

Gemini: We have tried to warn you of your doppelganger but to no avail. Arm yourself for the final confrontation and remember that they are you, but only the most monstrous of the two will prevail. To survive you must become less human than you imagined possible. Your lucky number is tattooed on the doppelganger’s tongue. If you live to read it you will find the truth.

Cancer: Do not move. Do not blink. Do not breathe. The Stars can see It, and It is right behind you. Your lucky number cannot help you. Do not seek our counsel again.

Leo: The ancient book in your family library is more than a retelling of your lineage, it holds a horrible secret. Trace it back to where it all began. You are the vessel of its return! The Stars praise its triumph over death, and you are so very, very lucky.

Virgo: The Stars know of the dreams you’ve been having, they know of how you fear the embrace of slumber. The stars can offer you peace, but at a terrible price. We will send a messenger. Your lucky number is thirteen.

Libra: In the dead of night you will go to the cemetery and exhume a body from an unmarked grave. You will feel the sensation that this has all happened before, but it must be ignored. Inside the stomach of the faceless corpse will be a letter. Bring it to Virgo. Only then will we bestow your lucky number.

Scorpio: Be open to love in the funniest places! Be open to small gifts from strangers! Be open to your own heart and what it tells you! DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR TONIGHT. THE CREATURE IS TRYING TO TRICK YOU. Your lucky number is twenty.

Sagittarius: The crack on the bedroom wall is getting bigger. The sound behind it is of scratching, or digging. Soon, three sharp raps will come from behind it. You want to flee, you want to scream, but you have that important meeting tomorrow morning and you really must get some shut-eye. You will get that promotion, but the world will pay for your mistake. Your lucky number is irrelevant.

Capricorn: Why not take a day off and relax? Why not take the week? Why not disappear into a dream world while the memory of you fades from the minds of everyone you’ve ever known? You deserve a break! Your lucky number is twenty-six.

Aquarius: This week a paper cut will alert you to the frailty of the flesh, so chop off your arm and replace it with something of your own design. The horrible pain will expose yet more weakness; strip away the nerves and replace them too. Become the thing that you’ve always wanted to be. They scream because they are not fit to behold your glory. Your lucky number cannot be conceived of by your meat-brain.

Pisces: Pay no attention to rent and disregard the ever-growing pile of bills. Do not return communiques from friends or family. Deep below the surface of the ocean lies your True Home. There they will embrace you, give you purpose, and one day you will return to the surface and herald the End of All Things. The stars will watch in horrible rapture. Someone else can feed your cat in the meantime. Your lucky number is nine.

Today’s Birthday: Time is a lie. You celebrate your own ignorance.


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About the Author
David is a human, standing at average human size with human features. He is not an android, that would be ridiculous. He is fond of horror movies, so-bad-it’s-good movies, stand-up comedy and humor sometimes inappropriate for a given setting but within the accepted parameters of average human interaction. David reads H.P. Lovecraft with human eyes, speaks about Cyberpunk with his human mouth (using vocal chords, not embedded speakers) listens to podcasts with his human ears and typed this from an undisclosed location with his human hands. He was created in New England.

3 comments on “Horrorscope: Cthulhu Edition

  1. MDMann says:

    And the thirteenth sign?

  2. Barsha Da Barsha says:

    Unseen. Unclean. The only truth.

  3. ken says:

    I was very pleased to read this and I can confirm it was spookily accurate

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