Horrorscopes, New Year Edition

The Things Beyond the Stars (or “The Stars” for short) have returned to give you a fleeting glimpse into a fate you cannot control in a cosmos that actively loathes you. The Stars would like to remind you that this is a free service we offer, so quit your bitching and enjoy a break from your usual ennui with a palpable sense of dread.

 

AQUARIUS

Write down a word. Put the paper in your mouth and swallow. Watch as a thousand crows fly from your throat. Statistically, one of those crows is bound to perch on your editor’s window and scream your word. This counts as meeting a deadline and responding to emails at the same time. Lucky Numbers: A Murder, circling.

PISCES

Leaves are changing. The weather is changing. Even the cosmos are changing. But the prophecy remains the same. Even though you can’t escape it, there’s nothing that says you can’t have a little fun! Try wearing a new hat to tonight’s blood ritual or see what the policy is on wearing an old halloween costume to the Ceremony of Leaving the Flesh. Lucky Numbers 6, 8, speak the words and see the world reborn. (You dressed as a skeleton to the Ceremony OMG that’s so funny!)

ARIES

We all feel down from time to time. (Well, Not The Things Beyond the Stars, but you get the idea.) Whenever you feel unwanted or useless, like life is just a pointless endeavor, just remember that there are Things in the Void that want to devour you. Reach your full potential- Become a screaming snack. Lucky Numbers 11, hungry, watching, waiting.

TAURUS

The Stars see a “meet cute” in your future, someone with whom you’ll share the most intimate of moments. Sorry, The Stars misspoke. It’s a “Meat Cute,” and either you or that special someone will walk away from the experience alive and with a horrifying knowledge of the limits of the human body and how to surpass them. Lucky number 2, minus one. The loneliest number.

GEMINI

Good news! Your band will finally get a recording deal and your hit single will sweep the entire globe. Unfortunately, you’re also the heralds of a sentient sound, long dormant but awakened with what reviewers will call “a simple sounding but deceptively complex chord structure with catchy lyrics.” Your song will re-define the term “earworm” in the most horrifying of ways. Be sure to thank your new god when you accept the award for best new artist. Lucky numbers 120 beats per minute, 192 bars of horrible truth.

CANCER

You and your spouse will sign up for a show on HGTV called “Hunter Houses.” You thought it was the other show. As the white-and-blue Victorian from down the street slowly creeps closer with every passing day you will realize your mistake all too late. You’ll make your six-week renovation schedule, though, since it doesn’t take that long to clean up blood. Stay tuned here on the Horror Garden Television network. Lucky numbers 273 Smith Lane. 271 Smith Lane. 207 Smith Lane? That’s impossible. Honey, will you come look at this? Our budget is $666k.

LEO

It is with thousands of gnashing teeth and furious, amorphous flailing limbs in a non-euclidean city of your darkest nightmares that The Stars inform you, reluctantly, that you’ll have a pretty good week. Things that you think matter (they don’t) will improve, goals you strive for (everything is nothing) will be achieved and that person you’ve had your eye on (we have many eyes and we will show you such things, eventually) will ask you on a date. Despite the fact that madness and chaos lies just beneath the calm surface of what you believe is real, things are looking up. For now. Lucky numbers fuck you.

VIRGO

Happy birthday! We mean “happy built day.” You see, your parents never had the heart to tell you but you are actually the product of decades of research into artificial life. Everything about you is artificial, even the gravity that holds you down. You can fly without fear. You can kill without remorse. You can eat whatever you want and still fit into your jeans from high school. You are, however, based primarily on cutting-edge toaster technology, which explains your propensity to consume and then regurgitate scorched bread. Lucky numbers 220 volts. (220-240 for overseas, but you’ll need an adapter.)

LIBRA

There is a new microbrewery in your neighborhood that has all the Yelp critics raving. No, really. Hundreds of wild-eyed hipsters, foaming at the mouth and clutching their phones with white knuckle intensity will prowl the streets, beating any living creature to death with artisanal, farm-to-table brutality while screaming blasphemies to the sky. An ex of yours that moved back into the neighborhood will be their leader. Awkward! Lucky numbers 3/10 stars, would not recommend.

SCORPIO

Your co-workers have all been talking about that stomach bug that’s been going around, but you’ll notice that they say “it caught Steve from accounting” instead of “Steve caught it.” The day will continue with the distant sounds of gurgling and faint smell of stomach acids in the air. You will find yourself in a deadly game of monster-and-mouse as you desperately try to survive until quitting time. With a packet of vitamin C in one hand and a flu shot in the other, prepare for the fight of your life. Lucky numbers 9-5 ugh work is murder, amirite?

SAGITTARIUS

As a Sagittarius you are generous, idealistic, have a great sense of humor, a love for freedom, travel and the outdoors. Your weaknesses are that you are impatient, easily slighted, vindictive and lack diplomatic etiquette. These traits will all have their moment to shine as you crack jokes to your friends while burning their house down and hunting them for sport with a bow. Remind them that if they hadn’t made you play the thimble in tonight’s Monopoly game none of this shit would have happened. Lucky Numbers 20 arrows in a quiver, show them Hell is just a word.

CAPRICORN

Wow, Sagittarius really takes Monopoly seriously. Luckily for you, Capricorns are responsible and self-disciplined, and unluckily for your friend with a bow you are also unforgiving and always expecting the worst. People wondered why you were gone all that time last week and now you can show them the terrifying fruits of your labor. Signs posted with words will be the only clues you offer your victims. “Atlantic Avenue” is a spiderweb of barbed wire. “Free Parking” is the abandoned car lot with starving dogs. “Boardwalk” is a cornfield where you will lurk dressed as a scarecrow. Lucky numbers Do Not Pass Go.

The Things Beyond the Stars do not, under any circumstances, care if you have a Happy New Year, but we delight in your desperate attempts to fill the yawning maw of the Void with your petty thoughts and desires. Think of what creature you would like to become this new turn of the Earth around the sun and leave your comment below.

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About the Author
David is a human, standing at average human size with human features. He is not an android, that would be ridiculous. He is fond of horror movies, so-bad-it’s-good movies, stand-up comedy and humor sometimes inappropriate for a given setting but within the accepted parameters of average human interaction. David reads H.P. Lovecraft with human eyes, speaks about Cyberpunk with his human mouth (using vocal chords, not embedded speakers) listens to podcasts with his human ears and typed this from an undisclosed location with his human hands. He was created in New England.

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