It’s a mistake that can happen to any adventurer. You’re out on a side-quest for some delicious brisket, or maybe tracking down the last few nails that crazy shopkeeper asked you for, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a wild zombie appears! You may have just wandered into the apocalypse. The truly canny adventurer knows to check for these five signs before proclaiming they are truly trapped in the apocalypse.

1. Zombies

A classic sign of the apocalypse, zombies have really been coming into their own recently. No longer defined only as the shambling, mindless brain eaters of yesterday, modern apocalyptic zombies can be fast, or even super fast, and have a much more holistic palate, eating from “nose to tail” rather than leaving their victims’ bodies to waste after merely eating the brains. They’re the original Freegans. Zombies. Apocalyptic trendsetters.

2. Leather is the new Black

Just because society has collapsed doesn’t mean survivors become complete animals. Fashion has been what sets apart humans from particularly well-groomed apes since the first saber-toothed tiger was skinned. In the event of the apocalypse, forget looting for food and water, find the nearest leather goods store and stock up on sturdy outerwear, underwear, and everything-in-between-wear. Put some of your nails to good use by adding decorative spikes. You know what they say about adventurers with big spikes…

They’re more likely to have a hidden weapon to pulverize your brain for their pet zombies to feast upon.

3. Global Warming is Unstoppable

You’d think Mother Earth would catch a break with the end of human civilization, but no. We’ve well and truly screwed up the world so that even the sudden obliteration of a significant portion of the human population can’t stop the ravages of global warming. Massive floods will destroy your favorite landmarks, and endless deserts will leave sand chafing where the sun don’t shine. Hope you weren’t too attached to the idea of four seasons; those went out with the concept of bathing daily.

4. Neverending Fuel

Lest you think the apocalypse is all doom and gloom, there is an upside! Gas and oil? Unlimited supply! Whatever it is that wiped out humanity also stopped the degradation of gasoline. So go ahead and hotwire that Hummer – you deserve something nice in this hellscape.

5. No Middle Ground

I hope you’re no average-looking adventurer. It’s a well known fact that the scourge that wiped out humanity had very bland, middle-of-the-road tastes. All of the boring looking people? Gone without a trace. The world is now ruled by super models and boy bands, lording their attractiveness over the misshapen wretches that armageddon overlooked.

And you, fair adventurer! What signs do you look for when judging whether you’ve wandered into the apocalypse, or merely having a really bad day?

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