Dr. Charles Israel’s Holiday Gift Guide!

Hello! I’m Doctor Charles Israel, taking a few moments out of my busy, busy schedule to give you a few gift ideas for the coming holiday! Whether you’re looking for a gift for your mother, wife, husband, children, or friends, I’ve got gifts that will make this holiday unforgettable!
First off, everyone can use a little extra help around the house. With all the cleaning, cooking, tidying, and assorted chores we all have to do, we all appreciate a couple of extra hands to help, and that’s why I’ve created the Many-Limbed House Beast! This nifty little creature can do the dishes, clean the floors, and cook a five-course meal, all at the same time- and the best part is you’ll never even see it! Thanks to the inclusion of various bits of insect and spider essence, it instinctively stays out of sight, hiding by clinging to the ceiling, scuttling behind the furniture, and standing right behind your shoulder, like it’s doing right… now… No, don’t look, it doesn’t like to be seen. Just count on its many, many limbs (how many? Well, that’s something for the philosophers to debate, I’m a man of science!) to keep your home spotless.

I take no responsibility for any missing pets, neighbors, or small children.

Speaking of children, don’t we all want to see their beatific, smiling little faces light up with joy when they receive their presents? Of course we do. Well, nothing will make your children happier than my new creation, the Wonder Box of Wonder! This small device will keep your children entertained for hours, through careful application of several alchemical substances that induce a dream-like state during which they will experience the most vivid of illusions and sensations, all while their wee, tiny bodies lay still, as if in the sweet, sweet embrace of death. The effects wear off in an hour, usually, and the rate at which it turns children into dream-zombies that shamble about, devouring the thoughts and emotions of those around them to fill the ever-growing hunger within them is practically negligible, so get yours today before they sell out! Aside from this, you can also spark some joy into their hearts if you give them one of the best outdoor playhouses for sale.

Finally, let’s not forget our friends and neighbors- won’t they be thrilled when they open up your gift and find a magnificent hat, or a lovely pair of gloves, waiting for them? They will, especially if these items are made of out my wonderful Self-Regenerating Cloth! With this, scrapes, holes, and even tears are a thing of the past, as they automatically repair themselves from any and all kinds of damage or even daily wear and tear! Though I must warn you not to wear more than three items made from Self-Regenerating Cloth at once- any more than that and they may begin to, err, expand, using your body to weave a full suit or dress of nigh-indestructible and unstoppable clothing which, in laboratory testing, has been shown to then attempt to escape into the night to commit various atrocities. So, keep that in mind this holiday!

Well, I hope you’ve all found some wonderful ideas for presents, and remember, kids: be good, or else, instead of presents, you just might find yourselves being visited, and then summarily dismembered and eaten by, the Krampus! Actually, this might happen even if you’ve been good, Krampus doesn’t really discriminate much, so, best plan is to just lock your doors and be very, very quiet until he passes by. Happy holidays!

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About the Author
Born in the freezing heart of upstate New York, raised in the searing heat of the Caribbean, then mellowed for several years in a fine oak barrel until he reached a perfect balance of snark and zen, Daniel is Fandible’s resident tech expert. Graduating at the top of his class in high school, and accepted to an Ivy League university, he instead chose to run away with the circus, where he learned valuable life lessons, and grew to hate clowns. He then travelled the globe for years in search of the six-fingered man, only to find the power was inside him all along. These days, he surrounds himself with glowing screens and wearable technology in an attempt to summon forth the Singularity by way of cargo cult. He is a Leo, and his favorite color cannot be seen by any but the pure of heart.

2 comments on “Dr. Charles Israel’s Holiday Gift Guide!

  1. MDMann says:

    Now packing the patented pneumatic parcel picker. It packs, wraps, stacks and traps. Guaranteed to keep all your Christmas gifts under confinement. And it comes with a beautiful, bright bow. The Postmaster General has ordered two. We’re sure he’s in there somewhere and we’ll retrieve him or his corpse presently. Patents pending.

  2. CallmeIshma3l says:

    Solid. Any chance of a recording a la the Professor’s Resignation?

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