The Future Is Now-ish

FutureNow_Article_postAh, technology: At once both an asset and a hindrance to the productivity of humankind, it has been the thing that separates us from the animals. Armed with opposable thumbs and the mantra of “this thing that is difficult/impossible shouldn’t be goddamnit I have things to do today WTF” our species has explored and conquered the natural world in ways earlier humans could only dream of. Recently our relentless march into new realms of technological wonder has given birth to new frontiers of innovation, truly life-changing concepts that will forever alter the direction of people around the world.

You will tell your children, and your children’s children, of the days before these wondrous devices were made real, and they will shudder at the thought of such primitive living. Here we go.

1: The Laundroid

If chores were a video-game icon they would most likely be Pac-Man, wakka-wakka-ing their way through our free time and chasing away our dreams of relaxing like so many terrified ghosts. Everyone at some time has looked at the ebbing hours of a day and thought “if i didn’t have to do this boring thing, i could be doing something awesome,” but alas that boring stupid thing had to be done. But what if you could instead say “I know this will lead to the singularity in which all human life will be enslaved or extinguished, but fuck this I wanna make a robot do this?” Well good news, you traitor of our species! Introducing The Laundroid!

With the dimensions roughly the size of a refrigerator, The Laundroid is designed to fold laundry with the same magical efficiency that the other giant gleaming mechanical monstrocity cleaned it. Made by Japanese company Seven Dreamers, these innovators stunned the world by making a robot whose primary function is not sexual in nature (at the time of this writing.) While the current cost is prohibitively expensive and folding items takes 3-10 minutes at a time, this invention will free up our schedule to do more important things, like listen to podcasts featuring robots with other primary functions.

2: Composite Metal Foams 

Okay, so you’ve donned your newly-folded outfit and you’re ready to take on the day, but then you realize that there are people in this wolrd who would like nothing more than to bust a cap in your ass. Well no worry! There is an answer for your current predicament, and it’s not heavy kevlar, cumbersome riot shields or hiding indoors, it’s…. Foam!

Composite Metal Foams are lightweight foams made from bubbled metal, offering protection against radiation and kinetic energy. Maintaining its resilience while being lighter than its original composition, CMFs offer a revolution in body armor protection. Now you can step outside and embrace the world secure in knowledge that the machinations of the people you’ve wronged will have been thwarted by foam.

Also the link above shows a bullet shattering upon impact with the CMF so that’s worth a watch.

3: Smartguns

Now stepping outside in your freshly robot-folded clothes complimented by your stylish super-armor, you check to make sure you’re not forgetting anything. Keys? Check. Wallet? Yup. Phone? Of course. Firearm? It’s still inside and, to your horror, alone with your dick-bag cat that has just been looking for a way to kill you. This is a problem.

It can be argued that, of all the inventions in the history of the world, the pistol is the one that is truly “idiot proof,” with a design that has spanned centuries: Point gun at a thing, pull the trigger, now that thing has new ventilation where solid matter used to be. Simple, right? Problem is, accidents still happen and bullets don’t really care if you meant to fire them or not. Enter the Smartgun.

Designed to reduce the number of accidental deaths while still offering protection for the home or office (where do you work, exactly?) the Smartgun uses fingerprint reading technology to verify the user of the weapon to unlock the trigger, meaning people (or felines) that are not you can’t use the gun for napharious “kill them with their own gun for irony” purposes. Better luck next-time, cat.

4: Plastic Blood

Okay, so you almost made it to your car before things went totally pear-shaped. A hail of bullets pummels your foam armor, and all you can think of is that your assailant could be anyone from a bitter ex-lover to the Applebee’s waiter you stiffed on the tab last night (which makes my sympathy for your predicament nil). Noticing that your (newly folded, damnit!) shirt is soaking in red liquid, you realize that either you forgot to take the ketchup packets you stole last night out of your pocket (you monster) or you’ve just been shot. As the EMTs rush to your aid, you realize you’ll be fine thanks to synthetics.

Synthetic blood has been a goal in medicinal technology for some time. While not capable of entirely replacing blood in the body, the hope is to create a life saving “stand-by” substance to better treat trauma and address the growing blood shortage in the world (ehem).  While currently incapable of transporting oxygen in the blood, the technology looks promising.

It then occurs to you that bleeding beggars can’t be choosers.

5: Synthetic Skin

Well, first the good news: The ambush from the waiter didn’t kill you. The bad news: You lost a hand. Was it the hand that should have signed the bill you skipped out on? Probably. Regardless, you now are in possession of a brand-new (hopefully) prosthetic hand! The only problem is you can’t feel the cold steel of your smartgun with fake digits (and isn’t that what life is about?) Well, the answer is here!

“Smart Skin” is a revolutionary substance that allows people with prosthetic limbs to feel things again, with a synthetic skin covering the limb and relaying information to the brain concerning things like pressure, heat, stretching and dampness. Now you can enjoy the sensation of punching that waiter in their stupid non-cyborg face while also maximizing the returns on your Luke Skywalker cosplay outfit.

With the introduction of your new cyborg powers, however, you are developing strange feelings for your Laundroid.

So what about you? Do you know of any groundbreaking technology that you’d like to share with other readers? Let us know in the comments below!
Or you could gaze into the future of emergency healthcare with our Saints of Suffering game.

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About the Author
David is a human, standing at average human size with human features. He is not an android, that would be ridiculous. He is fond of horror movies, so-bad-it’s-good movies, stand-up comedy and humor sometimes inappropriate for a given setting but within the accepted parameters of average human interaction. David reads H.P. Lovecraft with human eyes, speaks about Cyberpunk with his human mouth (using vocal chords, not embedded speakers) listens to podcasts with his human ears and typed this from an undisclosed location with his human hands. He was created in New England.

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