Horrorscope: Hollywood Horrors Edition

Horrorscope: Hollywood HorrorsFandible presents a very special message from beyond: The Horrorscope. We invite you to pull back the veil of ignorance, curl into a fetal position and gaze upon the messages from the cosmos. You will be enlightened. You will be changed. You will wonder why have done this to you. Enjoy!

The door creaks and rattles and you are unsure if you’ve locked it. The phone rings, but you can barely make out a scrambled warning before the line goes dead. Your dog barks at empty space before she whimpers and hides behind you. We, The Stars, are all you have left to find answers. You will not be pleased.

Aries: You’re self-assured nature will find you swaggering cocksure into the night air, whisky in hand and headed to the best prom party this town has ever seen. It’s good that you’re  a fire sign, because that whisky’s combustible elements combined with your father’s lighter will be the only thing that can save you from the madman stalking these woods. At least for now. Your lucky number is twelve.

Taurus: You’ll find a great real estate opportunity in your area, as a gorgeous house with fresh renovations will be on the market for a dirt cheap price! The realtor will seem nervous about questions regarding the property, but ignore that. Just don’t expect to do a lot of gardening, since the city moved the headstones but not the bodies. Your lucky number is eight.

Gemini: What is left of the body of Aries will remind you of a string of murders from long ago, but that’s impossible- the murderer burned himself alive the night he was to be arrested. You’ll drink to forget, but in a drunken stupor find yourself at the cabin where killings took place. We encourage you to investigate what that strange sound was. Your lucky number is twenty three.

Cancer: This week will find you desperate for cash and short on options, but don’t worry! A local doctor is offering $1000 for volunteers for a completely safe and absolutely legal experiment about the human anatomy. What have you got to lose? You’ll find out. Your lucky number is the amount of other people in the experiment.

Leo: This is the week you finally lose all of that weight and wake up as the new you! After accidently killing that old fortune teller’s daughter, you’ll start slimming down like you’ve never dreamed, especially since your dreams will find you being chased by a cloven-footed monster. Oh, we seem to have misplaced your lucky number. You should just go ask a fortune teller…

Virgo: Your friends will totally play a stupid prank on you this week. They’ll cut the lights, cover the walls in fake blood and pretend to be that psycho you heard about on the news that escaped the mental hospital. So. Lame. The weirdo in the next apartment over will even get in on the joke, banging on the wall and screaming like he’s being brutally murdered. Whatever. Your lucky number is totally nineteen.

Libra: Get out there and experience new things! Go to the museum, or the Opera, or the basement of the old antiques store where you’ll find a small wooden puzzle box. If it seems too hard to solve, just remember to believe in yourself! When you’ve managed to open it, you’ll be introduced to the the further reaches of experience. You’ll get a whole new look and a lot of new piercings. You lucky number is 51.

Scorpio: Someone close to you will complain about strange occurrences in their home this week. You don’t really believe them, but this is a perfect time to try out that new recording equipment! Set up cameras all over their house and get ready for a long night. A really, really long night. Your lucky number will be found in the film. Watch every moment to find it.

Sagittarius: The loss of a distant relative will open a new door in your life as you inherit some property in the mountains! Now’s the time to expand your social circle by inviting work buddies for a weekend getaway, complete with that office cutie you’ve had your eye on. Speaking of getting to know new people, your new neighbors may seem weird and reclusive but they’d love to have you all over for dinner. You’ll find their recipes truly unique. Your lucky number is chainsaw. We mean eleven.

Capricorn: Monkeys can do many things. They can be put in a barrel to estimate fun times, they can be featured in a movie opposite a gruff protagonist to add an element of humor or be viewed doing gross things at the zoo. What their severed paw can do, however, is an entirely different story. If you were wise, you would put the thought of wishes out of your head and get rid of the cursed object. The Stars know you are not wise. Your lucky number is three. Now two. Now one.

Aquarius: Sad times will befall you as a cherished pet will pass away from an accident, but don’t worry – The Stars know just the place for you to bury your fallen friend. Deep in the woods there is a place where the land is hard and cold but can bring back anything that is buried there. Still way easier than looking on Craigslist for a new cat! Your lucky number is seven. (Lucky for you, not the cat.)

Pisces: This week’s meteor shower will be the perfect romantic setting for you and that special someone. But where to find an open sky with no one around? The graveyard, of course! Make sure to wear shoes that look great but offer no support and get ready for the night of your life. We know you’ve always wished someone would want you for your brains and not just your body, so good news – tonight you’ll be wanted for both! Lucky number is…. Hey mister, are you alright? Should I call an ambulance?

Today’s Birthday: your special day will be marred by reports coming in from all over town about a man in police lockup turning into a wolf, an Egyptian exhibit literally walking out of the museum and a caped assailant biting people on the neck. Maybe you should get some people together and stop these creatures. Y’know, some sort of Squad. The Stars are sure you’ll think of something.

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About the Author
David is a human, standing at average human size with human features. He is not an android, that would be ridiculous. He is fond of horror movies, so-bad-it’s-good movies, stand-up comedy and humor sometimes inappropriate for a given setting but within the accepted parameters of average human interaction. David reads H.P. Lovecraft with human eyes, speaks about Cyberpunk with his human mouth (using vocal chords, not embedded speakers) listens to podcasts with his human ears and typed this from an undisclosed location with his human hands. He was created in New England.

1 comment on “Horrorscope: Hollywood Horrors Edition

  1. MDMann says:

    The thirteenth sign?

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