Despite the loss of the professor, or maybe because of it, the pulp heroes head back to the cargo cult in good spirits. Expecting praise, the heroes encounter barely suppressed surprise at their return. Is this a cruel joke, or do the villagers have a secret from our UNEXPECTED SAVIORS!!!!!
Hollow Earth Expedition Episodes
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4 comments on “Hollow Earth Expedition Ep 9: Unexpected Saviors”
This campaign is always fun to listen to, and the Airey is one of the coolest locations in Hollow Earth. Though if we where to some how get a one shot that makes sure that abandoned plot thread doesn’t dead cold and alone (bereft of companionship, utterly unwanted and untouched) I doubt anyone would mind 😛
Re: the pre-game banter, you should totally do a special Geeky Topics Round Table episode, tentative code name: Science Topics Science-y Table (For Science!).
Jesus, Daniel and David would be in-character as their respective doctors: Strauss, Israel and Drunk Irishman (probably an oxymoron, there). 😉
Barsha D. Barsha should also make an appearance during STST(FS!), as the resident Mek Boy – the closest thing to an Ork scientist or engineer.
Hmm, does Angela have any scientist characters? There was the intern from the Atomic Robo game, but that might not be a lot of fun, since all the other dorks would no doubt be super-patronizing to her, due to her junior status.
Ooh! Ooh! Angela, you should show up as the God of Medicine, from the Part-Time Gods game! Because,
Daniel: “I am a doctor of medicine, with a specialty in SCIENCE!”
Angela: “Well, I’m a god of medicine, with a specialty in did I mention I’m a GOD?”
You need a catchier name for the Hollow Earth’s pear-kiwi-banana fruit.
What about: Peeweenana?
Because when you try to eat it, it peels like a banana, it’s green like a kiwi, it tastes like a pear, and it screams like Pee-Wee Herman.
Corollary: All in favor of a Final Girl: Hollow Earth game, where the players get to play fresh fruit that’s eaten by the local fauna (horrifying, horrifying fauna), and then those animals get eaten by bigger animals, and so on – say “AIIIIGH!”
And all the fruit is sapient, and can feel pain, and most importantly scream. It heightens the flavor. [/grimdark]
Pro Tip: Click the link below and keep the music playing in the background whilst reading, to enjoy the full Strauss-O-Vision experience.
[Jack Maverickson, Zap Brannigan, Lamont Grover and the rest of the crew are in the Cargo Cult’s camp, enjoying the celebratory feast – except for Hakim, who’s sitting morosely by the fire, staring into the flames.]
Hey, Hakim? Why the long face? Did you find out your wife is pregnant again?
No, I am worried about the professor.
Ah, he’s probably fine. It’s only been a couple of hours since he was trapped by that cave-in. What’s he s’posed to have done since then, hmm? Soiled himself and wiped it off on the very fabric of reality?
[Jack grins and slaps Hakim on the back.]
[Camera cuts to the inside of the Soul Crystal’s cave, that has been completely transformed – not only is the exit blocked by fallen boulders, but every surface has been covered in strange scientific paraphernalia; hissing pipes, blinking lights, needles dancing on pressure gauges, ominous liquids bubbling in beakers, tools and papers with unsettling blue prints scattered everywhere. A young Hawk-man, practically still a Hawk-boy, has been captured and tied to an operating table. He twists and squirms, trying to escape, until a man-sized figure emerges from a cloud of toxic smoke – gaunt and sickly-looking, his lab coat dangling on his narrow frame like a scarecrow’s frock, but with a manic gleam in his eyes that matches the eerie luminescence from his chest. As the smoke clears, Strauss’ stomach becomes visible – a large hole has been gouged in his abdomen, and the scarab beetle-shaped robot Tenure is trapped within, attached to a biomechanical contraption that is part hamster wheel, part vivisectionist’s junk drawer. Tenure appears to be feverishly powering the cyborg professor. However, the greatest horror of all is yet to unfold; now, Strauss begins to sing…]
I’m sure that my latest invention
Will impress all the Hollow Earth’s cults
They may think it breaks with convention
But none can deny its results
[Strauss yanks a sheet off a large blackboard, revealing a complex schematic labelled ‘MAN-EAGLE MURDERBOT’. The Hawk-boy shudders in revulsion, as he realizes that the crude stick figures are evidently meant to be Hawk-people, carved into pieces and stitched together with mechanical parts – and weapons, SO many weapons – into a giant, aerial siege engine.]
The natural forms of creation
Are simply not fit to compare
But we’re talking world domination
Even you can be used for repairs
[Hordes of clanking insectoid robots, larger versions of Tenure, burst from every nook and cranny. They immediately fall into step, marching up and down the cave’s floor in synchronized motions.]
So let science improve on your lifestyle
Trust science and you’ll have no regrets
A rational mind set
Can never be blinded
[Strauss prances around the operating table, pulls out a pen and draws dotted lines on the nervous Hawk-boy’s skin, outlining the major muscles groups. Then Strauss picks up a rusty saw.]
You Nazis are crazy!
I am not a Nazi!
[Strauss pinches the Hawk-boy’s face and hisses at him angrily – meanwhile, the serried ranks of Tenure-bots are goose-stepping around in circles, briefly forming a giant, spinning Swastika on the cave floor below.]
Both Tesla and Darwin
Will pale in regard when
Compared to Frank Strauss, just you bet
And the most tantalizing of thrills
[Meanwhile, back in the Cargo Cult’s village…]
Yeah, this village has some tantalizing thrills. Yeah, heh… I’m not sure why I just said that. What were we talking about?
The imminent demise of the father of my children, which is me.
Why? Are you sick?
No, Thule!… Society. Yes? They’re going to kill us. And Strauss, too.
Great idea! Who needs Strauss?
ZAP & JACK: [Dancing around, arm in arm, singing:]
No Strauss! No Strauss! La la-la la-laa-laa!
Listen! We must save the professor!
Hey, but you said, uh…
The Nazis have scientists! You may not like the professor, but how could he be worse than them?
ZAP & JACK:
Yeah, all right!
Let’s save professor Cannon Fodde- I mean, the lesser of two evils!
The lesser of two evils! Lesser of two evils!
[Camera cuts back to the Soul Crystal’s cave, where the marching Tenure-bots have joined in the singing, buzzing and humming with crisp phrasing and diction, with horridly mechanized copies of Strauss’ voice.]
Just wait and you’ll soon be connected
To a scientist second to none
[Strauss gazes approvingly at the Tenure-bots’ display. He frowns as he notices that one of the robots has been shoodily constructed, and is moving in staccato jerking motions, out of step with the others.]
Of course, Q.E.D., once dissected
Your defects and flaws will be gone
[Strauss pulls out a remote control, twists a dial and presses a button. The faulty Tenure-bot promptly explodes, its voice petering out with a sad squeak, and the other robots sweep up its smoking remains, dumping them into a dark shaft labelled ‘RECYCLING’.]
My future is littered with prizes
And though Stockholm might call any day
[Strauss lights a cigar, and then picks up one of the sticks of dynamite that Zap, Jack and the others left him with. He lights the dynamite with the tip of the cigar, and twirls it around like a baton.]
The point that I must emphasize is
[The Hawk-boy tries frantically to blow out the fuse, as Strauss leans over the operating table. Strauss grabs hold of the youth and screams:]
All the fools who have mocked me must pay!
[Strauss whirls around and hurls the dynamite at the cave wall, moments before it explodes, rocking the chamber. The wall partially collapses, and a massive swarm of Tenure-bots spill from the gaping crevice.]
So let science begin a new century
Be prepared for the final exam
TENURE-BOTS: [Twerking and shaking their abdomens]
(Oooh… Strauss! Strauss! Strauss!)
(We will test)
Decades of denial
(We won’t shirk)
Is simply why I’ll
Have answers computed
And seen for the genius I am
Now that Nature is bound to my will
Now that Nature is bound to his will
[Camera zooms out, showing how the Soul Crystal’s mountain is crawling with Tenure-bots. The professor is rising from a smoking crater near the top, standing atop one of the Tenure-bots and cackling with insane laughter.]
[Suddenly, the camera jumps to a different scene – Strauss is lying on the cave floor, fast asleep, faintly illuminated by the glow of the Soul Crystal. Occasionally, the professor giggles in his sleep.]
Zzz… Meh-he-he… Zzz… Sciii-ence keee… *SNOOORE*