As our listeners prepare to celebrate with romantic dinners before the annual Half-Price-Chocolate day, so too do the vast and varied members of the Fandible universe celebrate love in its many forms. Happy Valentine’s Day, from the Fandible Crew

Calysto Flockhart – The Strange

Dear Feathera,

DON’T THROW THIS AWAY THIS IS IMPORTANT.

I know how you tend to overreact when I’m in the middle of telling you you’re overreacting. Just hear me out, and then you can throw this letter away, or burn it, or (like that one time that I’ll never forget) nail it to my door and then burn my house down. You are a woman of passions, and it takes a special man (that’s me, by the way) to appreciate you. You are also a lunatic, which is why we’re perfect together.

A lesser bird would have used that “birds of a feather” line, but I’m a damn wordsmith and not some two-bit hack so keep reading, it’s about to get really good.

I know the reasons that you left me are somewhat valid. I have been described as “intense,” which can’t be easy to love. Then there’s the illicit (but sometimes totally law-abiding!) nature of my business, which can be stressful. And of course there was that time Herold shot you with a laser that caused you to fly into an unstoppable rage. He’s sorry about that, and I’m sorry too. I’m sorry my best friend is dumb and human.

A lesser bird would tell you how gorgeous you are when you’re angry. Also a lesser bird would be dead from your advanced chokeholds that you used on them during your violent, laser-beam induced rage. I forgive you for that, by the way, and I want you to know that I totally let you win because I care. That’s right: I let you almost kill me because I care.

Many others in Crow Hollow will tell you I’m no good. They’ll say that you can do better than a petty thief and his flightless, filthy human friend. They may even use terms like worthless and absent of all useful skills. Then you should remind them to talk about me, because Herold may be all of those horrible things but he’s just a human and he can’t help it.

Then you should mention that your boyfriend is also a space-bending cosmic traveller, exploring other dimensions in search of rare artifacts and surviving dangers they couldn’t imagine. Then they will shut their beaks because NO ONE CAN TOP THAT.

Look, I know we have some things to work out. You say I’m unreliable because of my profession (I’m in another galaxy, for cawin’ out loud!) and that you want a bird that earns a semi-honest living. (Well, semi-honest for a species of swindlers and thieves.) And I know that my lifestyle of mind-blowing adventure and dogged pursuit of objects from other realities combined with my rugged good-looks and unstoppable personality can be exhausting at times. The point is, I think that together we can work towards a future where you’ve accepted my amazing qualities and fast-paced lifestyle as just more things to love about me.

Who knows? Maybe down the road we can have a nest of our own, build a life together as the most loved club-singer in Crow Hollow (that’s you!) and her unbelievably magnetic and courageous boyfriend (me). I want us to be happy together, and if it’s got to be achieved by stealing objects of untold power from stupid creatures in other planes of existence then so be it. I want our reality to be one where you wake up and go to bed happy. Happy that you stuck with me. And if I know anything, it’s how to make reality do what you want.

Honestly, after everything I’ve seen, I still haven’t found anything as precious as you.

Think it over,

Calysto Flockhart
(Of the Northern Branch Flockharts)

P.S. PLEASE FIND INCLUDED WITH THIS LETTER A SMALL GEM PLEASE HIDE IT IMMEDIATELY AND AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT AND FOR PETE’S SAKE DO NOT STARE DIRECTLY INTO IT. THANKS!

Professor Strauss – Hollow Earth Expedition

To understand love, you must understand an equation. An equation is an equality of two sides. Both sides look utterly different and seem to have no real connection but you must dig deeper. You must understand what each symbol represents and see what pieces can be swapped and shared to make the equation more understandable. Eventually, through hard work and dedication, you make both sides match, and they simply become two equal parts of the same whole.

Then, one half of the equation betrays the other half. She steals his best ideas and becomes an award-winning scientist while you are left in the dirt crying about your betrayal. The equal sign becomes chains binding you in nondisclosure agreements as the variables throw you into a corner and beat you mercilessly with their pointed Italian shoes.

Other equations come in, throw more dirt in your face by mocking your lack of credentials and screaming about the importance of higher education. It’s then that you realize that they are really just trying to stifle your genius and make you fit their boring, stale, and corrupt views on vector love plots and social diagrams.

Thats what love is. Love is a lie made by wretched scientific harpies that steal your work and claim the credit. I did all the work and she stole it. SHE STOLE IT!

…

Class dismissed.

Lucas Brewster – Atomic Robo

To Whom It May Concern,
My son has found an attraction towards you, and I feel that you have the genetic markers to possibly be a daughter-in-law. Currently my son is dictating what I write on this Valentine, however I believe it is better for us to speak. So, please turn this valentine over and continue reading on the back.

(cont)

My son’s ideal partner needs to have the following qualities:

• My son requires exactly 2000 calories a day. I have yet to see any signs that you know how to cook. How do you plan to feed my son? Do you plan to pimp out the services of a cook? Where would you get the cook? Can they be trusted? I fail to see you able to answer any of these questions and thus it makes his decision to court you very unpleasant to me.

• My son is a gifted child – far more gifted than any of your friends or colleagues. A mind such as his requires a nurturing hand to help shape it to be the best it can be. Do you feel you can place your own petty interest below his? Are you capable of dealing with the knowledge that everything you do can potentially change the human race? By convincing him to have sexual intercourse instead of doing his studying, you might have damned the entire world. Can you live with that?

• Brunette. I see you are currently brunette which is good. Your hair is like mine which means it will not confuse him when he wakes up from sleeping and finds it draped over his head like a curtain that protects him from the dangers of the world. Will you be willing to sign a waiver saying you will not sully your hair color with dye? My son has a terrible allergy to any and all hair dye. One sniff of your hair could result in him going into epileptic shock. And for what? Because you wished to pretend to be Brittany Spears and that your parents love you just like they love your older sister (who is also not good enough for my son)?

If you feel you can fall into line with these qualifications, then I will allow you to be my son’s valentine.

With All His Heart,
Lucas Brewster, Miss Sharpner’s 2nd grade class.

Goldshot – Rotted Capes
Selections of notes found under Goldshot’s mattress from grubby, nosey little kids that NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN NEAR HER ROOM in the first place.

G is for Gorgeous like your long flowing locks
O is for Obfuscate to get out of a jam
L is for Lovely like the countenance of your face
D is for Deadly, your aim quick and true
S is for Stylish, your calling card to this day
H is for Humble in all of your ways
O is for Ordinary, which you surely aren’t
T is for Terrific, truly tactful testimony

Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
Goldshot is the best,
We all know it’s true.

Dear Goldshot,
Good job staying alive today. Keep it up!
Love, Goldshot

Dearest Goldshot,
Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. Promise me you’ll survive. That you won’t give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Goldshot, and never let go of that promise. You’re going to get back on that horse, and I’m going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we’re gonna go, go, go! The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return

I wish I knew how to quit you
Love, Goldshot

Ollie – Hollow Earth Expedition
From the diary of Ollie

Dear diary,

I have long ago lost track of how long we’ve been down here, in this bizarre Hollow Earth. Time seems to work strangely here, and I find my mind and internal compass wavering as wildly as our actual physical compasses do here. Every day seems another mad adventure, and nothing make sense. I would be lost were it not for my North Star, the one point I can focus on and follow, my one rock: Lamont.

It’s funny, his name translates to ‘the mountain,’ and despite his short stature, that is what he is to me, my mountain, my rock.

He’s irascible, he’s short-tempered (and would chide me horribly if he hears me using that phrase to describe him, because, well…I digress). But I’ve known him since before we came here. I’ve seen his talent, his brilliance, his tenacity. I’ve stood silently beside him and seen how his eyes shine as he pursues his dream. He doesn’t know: he is my dream.

He can’t know. He musn’t. I know he doesn’t feel as I do. Even in Hollywood, such things are looked down on, and I would not wish my affections to damage his dream or his chances, for things are difficult enough already for him.

Or worse, I would not wish my love to push him away, to lose him.

He is my rock. I will be his, here. I will stand tall and quiet so that he can stand on my shoulders and shout. I will raise him high so that he can reach his dream, even though he will never know why.

I know this life, this place, is hard for you, Lamont. But depend on me. Count on me. I will bring you back to the world above. I will keep your shots steady, so your genius can shine out onto that silver screen. And when I see you smile as the crowds come to watch, I will know it was all worth it.

Happy Valentine’s Day, my little mountain

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