As the new year approaches, several characters from the Fandible universe have opted to share their plans for the new year – whichever year that may be in their reality. Share your own resolutions in the comments (or suggest some for characters we missed), and we look forward to sharing more shenanigans with you in 2015!

Shepard Clearwater – Rotted Capes

Soldiers,

I hope you all took time to reflect on our mission while you rejoiced in the birth of our lord and savior Jesus Christ. And while I support acts of charity during this and any other time of year, I want to take this chance to remind you that the image of a portly man in a red suit is not from any scripture but is mostly the construct of a soft drink company. Also, all future caroling will be done by personnel who are on the mend from injury or have otherwise been excused from their usual duties, because when I see a group of healthy men and women who probably use supplements like https://synchronicityhempoil.com/product-collections/.

Because I believe that a leader should guide through a mix of example and pant-shitting punitive measures, I have written a few resolutions for myself to be posted on the main bulletin board. Should any of you want, feel free to add your own resolutions below with your name and rank. Should any of you not want to then go ahead and plan to be on recon duty with nothing more than a fixed-gear bicycle and a brick that you have to pretend is a radio. No pressure.

RESOLUTIONS

by Shepard Clearwater

-I will conserve ammo by using more hand-to-hand techniques or by expanding my horizons regarding knives, duct-tape and my truck.

-I will refrain from using terms like “muties” “freaks” or “side-shows” when talking about Supers that work with us. As long as we’re on the same side a soldier is a soldier, regardless if they are abominations composed of unholy powers or not.

-I will refrain from interacting with alien artifacts that may have their own intelligence because that shit does not pay dividends and turns out to be a big hassle.

I hope this helps everyone think about what they would like to change about themselves in the new year and therefore make all of humanity better in the process.

Oh, and I’ll be leading a full company drill at 12:10 am on January 1st.

Happy New Year,
Clearwater

Mark Holder – Vampire: the Masquerade

Before I became what I am now, I was a schmuck. A jackass living on the the street, picked on by others. As a vampire, I thought I would finally get the chance to show how badass I could be. Instead, I’m stuck in a park in Manhattan waiting for Sabbat ass-hats to come in and try reclaim it. All to protect the territory of Camarilla a-holes who wouldn’t think of me even if I saved their lives from a torch.

So, what is my resolution? To stopped being kicked around. To stop having these ungracious bastards use me like some canary to see which way the wind is blowing. To grow in power until no power-hungry prince would think of trying to intimidate me. I have no idea how, but if life has taught me anything it’s that it gives you opportunities. You just have to grasp them when they come. One way or the other, Mark Holder is going to get what’s his.

Captain Renaldo Macharius – Warhammer 40K Rogue Trader
(AKA, Captain Awesomepants’ New Year’s Resolutions)

“Quantus, where is that servo-skull I told you to send?”

“… video feed shows it’s right outside your door, Captain. Where it’s been pressing the buzzer for the past 10 minutes.”

“Oh, is that what that infernal noise was? I just shot the speaker that was making it. It was interrupting my thoughts.”

“… should I send up a tech priest to replace your door buzzer speaker, Captain?”

“Of course. Ah, there’s the servo-skull. Right outside my door. That’ll be all, Quantus.”

“Wait, captain, while I still have you on the line, I wanted to discuss my-” COMMLINE CLOSED

“Ah, there we are. Alright, servo-skull, begin recording mode. The Imperial calendar shows the new year is fast approaching, and my father, the old fool, had a tradition that I’ve decided, if only this one time, to observe. He would have us all list out our resolutions: the things we wished to achieve for that year. And so, given all that’s happened recently, and all that’s to come, I feel that recording my own resolutions for this coming year may well serve a purpose, if only to crystallize my vision and focus my will. There is work to be done. Now, let’s begin. My first resolution is clear: to protect this ship and its crew. For better or worse, the Shadow Labyrinth has been home, conveyance, and fortress at different times… often all three at once. Its crew, weekly mutinies aside, are like my children. Except more expendable and I don’t have to worry as much about them trying to kill me so as to more easily claim their inheritance.

“Also, I can’t possibly be expected to fly this thing alone.

“Regardless, what’s coming next will pose grave threats to both ship and crew. I doubt I will be able to keep them all safe…but I vow to bring this ship, and all those loyal to me that I can, safely through the coming storm. Daniel Kunan has us out-numbered, out-gunned, and out-matched…but that monster has yet to beat us. He’s made one tactical mistake: he’s underestimated me.

“Which I suppose brings me to my second resolution: this year, I will take Daniel Kunan down. It’s my fault that thing was unleashed upon the Expanse, and I am a man who honors his debts. I still have work to do before I can set my plan in motion – deals to make, alliances to forge. He’s allied himself with the Imperium… and that may well be his biggest mistake. In the Expanse, the Imperium is cut off from the Emperor’s Light. That has enabled him to rise as high as he has within its ranks, but it also makes them vulnerable in ways that he may not quite understand.. not the way I do. What he has gained in power, he has lost in flexibility. And when it comes to that… well. Let’s just say I have several surprises in store for him.

“And for my last resolution: Well. I suppose it is well past time that I start to consider my legacy. Once I’ve cleansed the Expanse of Kunan’s influence, and am no longer a hunted man, I may deign to spend some time seeking a suitable match, so that the Macharius line can continue, and flourish. Ah, I can almost imagine the pitter patter of little feet upon the bulkheads. The holovids of baby’s first corpse cracker. Teaching my child how to properly quell insurrection. And of course the pride I’ll feel the first time I receive reports of the tyke plotting against me.

“But for all that, I must first complete my current plans. I’ll have to go easy on the crew for a short while, they’ll need their strength for what’s to come. End recording.”

Torchlight – Rotted Capes

“Wow. I’m impressed. You actually have kept up with a calendar to know that we’re coming up on New Years? Did you check the date with Voltron – ah, he just told you to ignore him. Well, okay, then I guess I’ll take your word for it. New year. Coming up. Well, good luck with that.

“What? Clearwater is actually having people post their resolutions?”Did he give a reason for doing this that wasn’t ridiculous? Wait – let me guess, it was Andrew’s idea, right? Did Andrew put his resolution up yet? ‘This year, I plan to not bomb a float full of girl scouts’? Man, that will be really nice of him. God bless human kind. Andy is really an inspiration to us all.

“Fine – fine. If it will keep you from bugging me and it’ll give me brownie points with Preacher John, I’ll give you something to post for me. Write this down for me – why can’t I write it? Cause I’m too busy trying to sort through our warehouse stocks to take three seconds to write down a bullshit promise. And after this, I have to meet Clearwater outside the gates for patrol – a patrol that will be filled with either the groans of the undead or the drones of scripture. After that, I then have a thing to do with Goldshot.

“What are we doing? Jesus, just shuddup and write down my resolution while I carry this damn box over to the discard pile.

“Okay. I, Torchlight, am making this resolution under duress. My resolution is… uh… just say my resolution is to keep fighting for truth, justice, and the American way, okay? Or to find a warehouse full of canned goods on my next run. Or find out that the Contemptress is still alive and flexible as ever and wants to replay our first encounter. Or maybe just to find the last remaining Up and Away Burger that serves those Cape Crisps. Oh, and a Shamrock Shake cause why not.

“That’s my resolution. Just… shorten it up if it doesn’t fit on that scrap of paper. Oh – tell Sentry that Wanda wants him to check out ‘Havenville.’ Rumor has it someone is starting up a black market, and Wanda would rather work with them than against them.

“Oh, and tell Clearwater to make sure Wanda is actually okay with this idea, yeah? Not everyone really has hope for the new year.”

Moira Clayton n̩e Hepburn РUnhallowed Metropolis

From the Diary of Moira Clayton née Hepburn
Bern, Switzerland. December 31st.

It is among our last days outside of the lands of hellfire and damnation – if the rumors about the French are to be believed. I do not know how much credence to lend individual rumors, but it is with a sense of unease that I cross both this border, and the border into the new year.

Father always spent the first of the year reviewing his business interests, and I imagine Katherine is continuing his fine tradition. Mama will be preparing the home for callers, probably fruitlessly trying to find a suitor for Katherine she won’t laugh out the door. Being a woman without a home to keep, or a business to fortify, I am left with a diary in which to record my hopes for the new year.

1. Protecting the new Mrs. Clayton from the harm that may befall her after being associated with this heavy family name.
2. Fulfilling my obligation to the Clayton family as Byron pursues a fool’s errand into the deepest circles of hell (the French court). I am sworn to protect him, even with my own life, and I shall not shirk my duty.
3. Disprove the validity of the words of the spectres of the Prussian blighted lands, and laying to rest any lingering concerns about the fate of my beloved Horatio’s immortal soul.
4. And as always, I wish, as did our beloved Queen, Victoria I, to “never to live to old age but be allowed to rejoin her beloved great and loyal husband before many years elapse.”

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